iBono Shuffle now comes in 4 other celebrity humanitarians:

iAngelina Shuffle, iSarandon Shuffle, iOprah Shuffle, and iPenn Shuffle.

In addition to syncing to your iBono library, these new Celebrity Humanitarian Shuffles have unique features.

iAngelina Shuffle randomly selects continents from which to adopt more children.

iOprah Shuffle randomly selects books and pseudo-documentaries that will change your life.

iSarandon randomly selects methods in which to loathe George W. Bush.

iPenn randomly selects snarky political statements to say during award acceptance speeches.

Which celebrity humanitarian are you?

Wednesday morning, in the store window of Forever 21, bargain teenybopper shopper Brittani Halliday noticed a unique line of dresses made from what appeared to be scatter rugs.

A conversation with general manager, Tina McDeetzy confirmed that the line is in fact wholly uninspired by any leading designer of the day.

“The particular Forever 21 designer, or ‘speedstress’ as we like to call them, who came up with this concept works at our southern California headquarters. I guess she got the idea at her other job, cleaning houses in the Pacific Palisades,” McDeetzy said.

Halliday, a 19-year-old college student, eyed the dresses for a few minutes, noting that unlike much of the other store’s clothing, these in particular looked like they might be able to withstand a wash cycle. She bypassed the scatter rug look-a-likes for an Anna Sui-inspired top and Bermudas.

“Sales of the scatter rug dresses have been slow,” McDeetzy noted, “So we moved them from behind the Marc Jacobs copycats to the front of the store. Right beside the crowded rack of Michael Kors replicas.”

When asked about Diane Von Furstenberg’s current lawsuit against Forever 21 for copyright infringement, McDeetzy advised talking to her district manager, Armando, whose last name is too difficult to spell, at 210-563-1776 or armando.t@forever21.com.

“But, he screens and won’t likely return your calls, so you’re pretty much screwed. Unless you call our corporate headquarters. They’ll likely put you on hold for a long time and eventually will send you to a woman named Grace who has a hypnotic voice. You’ll end up forgetting why you called in the first place.”

By the cash register, McDeetzy was later spied dusting loose powder to her face, while muttering, “Man, DVF sure is bitchy.”

I don’t check my bank account online nearly as frequently as my Myspace or Hotmail or LiveJournal or Facebook or Gmail or Flickr or Tribe.net or Last.fm or Vox or Classmates.com or Friendster or Meetup.com or OkCupid or Shelfari or Match.com or Yahoo 360 or eHarmony or LinkedIn or Buzznet.

 And guess what…

I have way less money than I do virtual friends.  

p.s. I haven’t had any personal interaction in five days because I’ve been busy instant messaging!

Friday night at Room 710, Joey Hartle, frontman for The Warren Buffetts, was spotted buying the entire bar a round of drinks. The bar, nearly filled to its capacity, hosted two other bands who played after Hartle’s. 

“We love our fans, and I just want to show them how much we appreciate them coming out early to listen to us. There are so many choices on a Friday night in this city,” says Hartle, a 36-year-old independently employed financial analyst by day. He has been singing and playing guitar with The Warren Buffetts for three years and counts David Bowie among his many musical influences. 

Natalie Boushon, a fan and ex-girlfriend of Hartle’s can attest to him having a substantial income. “Joey has always been generous,” she said, while sipping the top-shelf vodka soda she ordered on Hartle’s tab.

“I’m so used to like, no furniture in these band guys’ apartments. Joey’s condo was all decked out in Havertys. He took care of my Orthotricylcen prescrip too, which was sweet.”

Boushon, who is no longer on the pill, was later seen making out with Josh Ahlden, lead guitarist of the last band to play that evening. In addition to playing guitar and singing for The Wee Look Prettys, Ahlden is an oil canvas painter by day and waits tables three days a week at Kerbey Lane. Among the The Wee Look Prettys’ various influences, Ahlden names David Bowie.

At the end of the evening, generous Hartle was seen loading an amplifier into his Lexus RX350, while telling someone on his iPhone, “it isn’t all about the music.”

Prior to his current gig, Hartle lived in San Jose, where he recorded three cds with The Capitalists, a three-piece band, also influenced heavily by David Bowie. The Capitalists split after the bassist brokered a lucrative real estate deal, selling his dead grandfather’s home to a Google executive, and subsequently moved to Costa Rica to run a deep-sea fishing service targeted towards white Google executive tourists with small penis complexes.

Hartle will visit his former bandmate at the end of the month, kicking off a three-month trek from Central America to Tierra Del Fuego on his recently purchased Ducati. Upon his return, The Warren Buffetts plan to record a full-length CD, the production costs of which will be wholly provided for by Hartle.

In an attempt to control the increasing mosquito population due to recent rains, the city has begun using patchouli oil as an alternative to pesticides. City official Max Matham says the perfume’s potency was the main draw.

“We only need to use one drop for every 40 square acres to achieve effectiveness.”

Thus far the patchouli seems to be working. The City reports a decline in the number of complaints about the mosquito nuisance. However, it is undetermined if the lack of complaints is stemming from the effect of the oil on the actual insect population, or if the smell of the patchouli itself is causing a number of residents to leave the area. Since the patchouli program’s implementation, it’s estimated that 30 percent of Austin’s population has departed, presumably to take holiday.

The City Health Authority proposed the idea of using patchouli after hearing accounts of a lack of mosquito infestation at a recent outdoor Widespread Panic concert.

Upon news of President Bush’s absolving Scooter Libby from serving his prison sentence, NPR used Paris Hilton as a metaphor today to describe the former vice presidential aide, as in “Will the public believe he is the Paris Hilton of the administration?”

This eeks me out.

I wonder if Scooter Libby will get an interview with Larry King. Or if he’ll canoodle with Matt Leinart. Or wear a black wig to ward off the paparazzi.

In other news, Tom Stoppard is 70 years old today. I doubt anyone would ever confuse him with Paris Hilton.

This is newsy.

That gyro place on Burnet and Pasadena, by the second-hand furniture store, is under new management.

This is one of those restaurants self-described as “Persian.” Uh, sure. Yeah.

I tire easily of cuisine named for lapsed civilizations. I mean, I get why Persian is used, but find it completely unnecessary. There are no Mayan, Babylonian, Samarian, or Hopi restaurants, so get over it. We’ll eat there even if your country has been declared an axis of evil by our smarty pants puppet president. In fact, we might even eat there for that very reason.

I’ve dined at the Persian gyro place once. When it was under the old management. They were sweet as sweet could be, and totally tried creating a Lebanese dish I’ve been craving since eating it at a five-star Middle Eastern restaurant in Paris circa 2002.

Have no idea why I thought the good $5 gyro folks would be able to recreate the five-star goat cheese roll thingy I dream about, but it was very thoughtful of them to try. I hope the new management people are just as eager to please.

Is anyone else wondering how much the “Under New Management” sign cost? I wonder if that sign actually brings in customers. I think new management has narcissism issue.

It’s true.

With a revolutionary touch screen interface you can listen to music, view the web, call your friends, brew a cafe Americano, and save Darfur.

An iPhone will make you a more thoughtful person who remembers to send birthday cards.

It will improve your sex life.

It will remove unwanted hair in unecessary places/prompt immediate hair growth if you’re balding.

The first 37 customers to purchase an iPhone at The Domain Apple Store will receive a pocket-sized iBono Shuffle* free.

Oh wait. Nevermind. They are condos.

I dreamt last night that David Gray and Annie Lennox hooked up and conceived a dragon. It was the most forlorn dragon ever. With the exception of maybe Rufus Wainwright’s. Anyway, it was up to me to slay the Lennox/Gray dragon, but before I could, it opened its mouth and began singing, and I accidentally impaled myself instead.

When I woke up this morning, I heard on NPR that today is David Gray’s birthday. He’s 39. I think this means I’m in tune with the universe.